Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Taipau 11:39 PM ma life
its twelve and officially my birthday is here again 31st of march. easy enuf to remember :)
Had an early one day birthday dinner with some of my best buds here in kampar. nth much to say la. just very happy lo
and i m 22nd tis year ady, old liao lo haha
thanks again to all my friends for ur wishes and presence and smiles, and thanks in advance to those who will wish me as well. ^^
i really seldom celebrate my birthday , onli the times when i came kampar i had celebrations, probably a tradition among many people. the company is always great, the wishes feels nice.
its nice to know that years ago on tis vy date. ur were out into the world and never knew u would meet so many friends and people. u nv knew at that time the life that was ahead of u. and now i could onli take a peek at my past and look ahead in my future endeavours.
my birthday wish?
well its pretty easy,
here are some small clues
haha. ^^ and hui min !!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Taipau 2:36 AM emo rantshavent been able to hav good sleeps. i hav long sleeps but not good ones, repetition of dreams i cant remember but they all make feel the same anxiety and confusion.
the helplessness of not being able to remember it worries me even more.
the feelings i hav is like a storm,
stress is it?
i m not sure now.
i find my self in a state of low self esteem, broken confidence. is tis wat it meant by mentally broken down?
my ego seem to be gone, even words of confidence that are said don feel as though they are mine anymore.
i feel as though i m merely existing , merely HERE in tis earth. i hav a purpose, but it seems so far so blur. unreachable.
could it be ~ benjamin~ u are dying
could the very realization that u are but a mere weakling hav such an effect on u?
could i hav lost the sense of self righteousness and self esteem?
there seems to be no end to my misery, my confusion.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Taipau 10:44 PM ma lifewell, decided to go out play ball that day , and *krack* down came my ankle. i swore it went 360 on me. and den even before my shoes were taken off . wah lah!
probably the second worst sprained i had since the time i tripped over bernards leg over practice during form 5, that was pretty stupid. well tis one seems like its on its way to healing. its still swollen and the blue back is starting to surface.
worst thing is my presentation was the next day and we missed some part and i had to go over to my group mates house to do it. pretty stupid of me cause they could hav just came to my house. haha. on presentation day i had to slide and skip my way to the classroom. the presentaion went quite well i say. besides a small part which we didnt elaborate on it. ( i hav no idea why classes are so inactive, it makes me feel like a show off when i m the oni wan speaking my mind. damn it.)sigh, and den we hav our academic review deadline next week.
ms ina said something quite hurtful but motivating at the same time
" i didnt give u a deadline but u all noe the final deadline is week 13, and that was week 1, u all were given an assignment that was 100% your own work. and u didnt even start till week 9 and u come up with things so lame i can die" or something like dat. which really makes sense la. sigh. i really need to procrastinate smarter.
oh well, assignments are barging in again. no doubt we can finish it la. but i feel dat i m quite useless from time to time. gotta pick up the pace for my self. with a sprained ankle . cant even move properly. haha.
Qing Ming is coming soon, i wish i could hav gone back to visit my grandma and fathers grave. hope they will understand la.
hmm speaking bout goin back. next year may i would be leaving. thats a good and bad thing. i can go into the industry and do things i imagined doin, but i would miss kampar so bad. and i m not even sure if i could land a job. oh well. everything will reveal itself sooner or later.
not sure if u can enlarge tis. but tis screen shot is really funny. haha.
wish me luck ^^
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Taipau 12:54 AM emo rants
thats me , benjamin foo sik vai, shattered and broken.
nv hav i felt so discourse and unstable.
like a swirling vortex of chaos wrapped around me.
could hardly breathe
sleepless nights and darken days.
the sky seemed dimmer. the smiles of people seem smaller.
i have yet to pick up my self, it is not something hansoplast can help it.
i m not gonna tell myself its gonna be ok anymore
i m just hav to deal with it
even if its gonna suck for the rest my life.
i got no where to go no where to run and no where to hide.
my greatest enemy?
life it self~
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Taipau 9:44 PM ma life
scientifically speaking, we are all made up of DNA, tiny organisms coliding and manipulating and growing to form one entity
in a more abstract view, we are a puzzle.
a puzzle made of feelings,emotions, thoughts and the will to live.
to make evolution or change sound simple. its just like a piece of us drops down and another takes its place. thats why we exist and don die off.
there are occasions where more den a piece falls off. we call dat broken apart. emotionally and mentally.
and words gives motivation.
whether o not u are able to reform urself is another thing,but pain is the proof of living as many cliche films hav said.
i m gonna graduate in a year plus, i hav many things wanna do and yet i hav nothing i CAN do.
i wanna work in the advertising field, i really do. i wanna make great impact in people. change them be a part of their puzzle pieces. and den after ten years or so. i wanna be a lecturer. not the monotoned type, i wanna be a lively one. an active wan.
but people shoot me down so dam badly. because of my careless, playful nature, it is unacceptable for me to hav a dream of educating people i don recall that lecturers need to be boring. or cant hav fun.
i m sticking with my plan. i really wanna prove myself. but yet i m afraid.i feel failure surrounding me. wrapping me in a tight bundle. ready to suffocate me. so afraid of failing i hav become i failed too much. i wan the courage to pick myself up once again.
and yet i feel empty and powerless to do it. i need something big. i need something that is gonna smack me silly and make me wake.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
its raining outside, raindrops falling on the window dripping down silently as it washes away the dust on it.
the line has been disconnecting a lot recently, leading to an uproar among students here.
students here above 60% of them wish that they were back in hometown. but most of them for the wrong reasons.
many students here in kampar stress that they wanna go back to their hometown because they miss home, they miss their parents but yet onli a few speak the truth , tis fact is so true that actually the number of students not goin back hometown actually misses their parent more den those who go back often yet they claim they miss their home and parents
then here is a reality check~
basicly these students ARE NOT goin back to visit, they just treat their so called home as a hotel to stay as they go back to meet up with friends, to shop, to club, to play. its so freaking true that many actually made plans 3 weeks back just to come back on that date to go out.
they claim they miss starbucks, they miss the city, the technologically advance areas of malaysia. the malls, the cinema . so caught up in these luxuries and comfort that they become sluggish and ultimately become a brat , a snobbish stubborn complaining brat. if i were to become like that. my past self would come and beat the living daylight out of me and thats a fact.
u see that window up there? outside it is a small field of grass , across it is a series of single story terrace houses and beyond that a beautiful view of the vast horizon. the sun rises from the right side of that window , above the mountains. and the right side it sets . the lake isnt that pretty but as i walked to campus the other day, i learned to appreciate the little nature thats left around here. because soon as i leave when i graduate its gonna gradually be modernized. an action that many people salute and agree to. but i don really think so. its too fast , so fast that like cancer soon we will destroy tis once peaceful place.
Many people think that because UTAR was built here it gave kampar a reason to live , a reason to be upgraded, well u hav to think do u actually think they need it? do they actually need tis ? i think not. we are the ones that are gaining so much from here. obviously u would not hav notice if u are being stubborn and closed. u wouldnt realize what i m trying to say here because ur heart doesnt feel it, u don welcome it. and u will nv get it. unless u take away those city slicker thinking and start feeling the atmosphere around here.
mayb its because i m poor, i nv god mcd or kfc till i was 15, a slice of pizza was like diamonds to me back then. we didnt look at star bucks or dunkin donuts. we nv could, nike and adidas? names that are far from our hearts. but yet i do not whine because i loved my life. the simplicity of being content of wat i had. My mom raised me and brother up single handedly. and yet i still hav not been able to pay her back. i owe her too much to be paid in a thousand lifetimes. mom really suffered a lot for us. sleepless nights, low pays, hunger pangs. critism from the family. she took it all for us. and now its my turn to protect her. to take her under my wings.
one day i will tell her i m sorry , sorry that i didnt make her proud of me. i wasnt able to achieve good grades for her to brag to others, or achieve national level awards to make her happy. i m but a humble and loser son. and i wish one day i would pay all this back and more. i don wanna let her efforts go to waste.
i feel sick to the stomach now, its at its limit, i cant take it. when students here whine and complain. there is always something for them to bullshit.
takin out money, use for nothing, lousy service, no standard,no choice onli come, my last choice.
and so much more, i said it many times, no one wants to hear ur crap. tell it to ur parents, ask them for that extra 40k to study somewhere else, probably the same standard anyway. anyone smart enough to peel a banana would hav figured out that standard arent that big a difference anywhere . its u who makes the standard u noe. how else do u think the universities are rated , its by ur exam results and co curicular activities u dumbshit.
as for the money part, u obviously haven used the library much rite? or mayb the coms in the com labs are too low class? that shelter from block to block nt stopping u from getting wet? that new blocks didnt make the place less congested? u think the constructions are made from cheap lego toys? figure it out ur self. UTAR too small for u? go overseas la. think throughly before u let immature crap out of ur mouth pls.
well, u suck too. u are so stuck to ur comfortable lives that u arent able to adapt well? is it that bad without ur gsc and malls and mcd and starbucks or espirit and clubs? well i don see u dead yet, open ur eyes and realise it. that tis place is not bad at all. u must hav nv had a hard days work before, and NO! standing around as a promoter at a shopping mall promoting vitagen is not an idea of hardwork. try shifting crates under the hot sun at a cargo bay without shade, thats hard work . yours is a walk in the park
HERE VERY LOW STANDARD LA
oh puhlease, don bullshit me about low standards when u cant even speak proper malay or english, or even understand an english pun or lame jokes. u cant even put up with me when i speak 0.1 % faster in english. ptui!
i mock the very core of ur so called coolness and rebelious behaviour.
thats about it. facebook sure is crowded nowdays.
ps. i really miss mom and bro , and min as well. sigh.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Taipau 11:27 PM animewhen i say epic, i meant epic.
like awesome above awesome epic.
and when the word comes in mind oni one represents pure epicness
i posted tis anime a while back.
and now with both its movie out. its official that pretty much no mecha show can rise to its standards in another 20 years. not even with final fantasy like cgi graphics.
the effects matter , but oni half of it. the other half is just pure heart and soul
some might say the whole story is way too exagerating. to the limits of absurdity but no matter which point u wan to look at it, its still creativity and passion.
saying words here wont really mean much unless u really watched both movies ur self, or the series, but i recommend watching the movies. do bear with the small boring parts because those are the things that connect evrything together.
first movie trailer
second movie trailer
watch it , recommended, download it buy the dvd, if ure a anime fan u will enjoy it.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
the trailer look so bad ass with its creepy grandma shit.
my POV was its gonna be cool but still lame in a sort of way. erm, scratch that! i meant lame in a sorry way. i mean, the cast aint that bad
we got dennis quaid... and some other guy, plus a hot chick random emo child.
its a thriller in disguise of a hero adventure tale.
creepy kids and old ladies are the best thing in there .
i wouldnt recommend legion anywhere in the world. EVEN if u hav to watch clint eastwood back to back. like a thousand times.
i don even need to give a summary, it doesnt hav one.
"human disappoints the 'God" in the movie, "God send his lackey go kill humanity, lackey suddenly grew balls of steel to defy him, den God send lackey's best friend or relative after him" humanity saved for a while end of the whole stupid story. *yawn*
rating: 1.999/5 ( i just cant put my finger on 2) LOL
and here is a new segment i like to add in my reviews, the my favourite scene section.
here it is
seriously, when someone tells u dat u hav no hope, u noe wat to say.
thats it for now. ^^
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Taipau 9:18 AM ma lifeusually when u have a good feeling about things , good things come or its because u are in a good mood. recently been havin good feelings bout a lot of things , however bad things seem to be happening. LoL
my phone is screwed, both of them, one cant answer call the other mike spoil, answer oso cant talk to the person on the other line.
its week 7 now . some assignments are done and some not . i m really enjoying the creative strat classes, the petty assignments that we are required to do is actually quite fun, even if its worth almost zilch, actually i rather it was really worth nothing. gaiing experience is more den enough, mind you i did not study to just get that piece of paper, that just boring, i study to learn, to acquire things that i will not be able to obtain later on in life.
funny thing is, tis sem is suppose to be one of the toughest throughtout my degree, yet i have not felt the pressure yet, mayb its because i m not producing the standard of work i should. or mayb my mind just does not want to acknowledge its hardship, or jut mayb just the slightest mayb i m a genius~ :P
recreating videos and making movie posters , so excited about it, though i noe it won be easy :D
my mid term is later, but i m not givin it any thought simply because the lecturer is boring and one track minded. all she does is add more pictures and add more colours i mean WTH, hasnt she heard that simple makes more meaning sometimes then a bag full of goodies ?
u really need a set of music or mind set that keeps u goin and in the groove for ur assignments
here is my list:
the gazette-representative song- cassis
~simply put, its inspiring with a certain darkness to it, not talking bout the lyrics but the melody,the important thing about jap music to us is that the melodies touches us first.the soul of it all thats the basics of music.
Abingdon boys school-representative song~strength
~a build up motivating song, with the words u will feel more motivated, a invisible strength to move u forward =)
Uverworld- slow song fast song wth i love em all
~a more publicly acceptable tune, when u blast their songs, people tend to ask u wat u are listening to cause it sounds so good. keeps ur mood up and upbeating
along with the lists and my proud archive of growing 3k plus jrock and jpop songs, alice nine, sug, sid, kelun, redballoon, last alliance, larc en ciel, glay, greeeeeeen. back on and the list go on
gonna attend tis dance club dance night tingy on thursday, a friend invited us, so i thought mayb i bring hui min there la. since she likes these dancy dancy things, i mean its not like i don, i enjoy real performance , not those goyang goyang in club hope to touch some booty type .
intra faculty is coming , my team is ready, sponsored and pink jerseyed !
hope we get first tis sem, the other teams are just blardy tough to handle.
and we did a quick rebranding of the malt drink malta, i was quite happy with wat we came up with in 15 mins or so. haha
happy sem, stressful sem, it seems i realize the oni way is t take it seriosuly yet relaxing and last minute works are nv the way to go.
we hav 4 big ass assignments to go. the group ones, midnight gonna burn like crazy yo.
but have no worries, haha, my groupmates ae bloody powerful , like power ranger type.
lim wei is freaking awesome at drawing
julien is like the reason we are getting the jobs done, power organizer sial
ah theng is vy good at info finding and spotting missing links
ah mian is skilled in picture editting and gives out surprising well idea
and that leaves me to suck at everything. haha, my job? probably lighten the stress mood? i don even know , but i like tis group, and i m trying my best not to disappoint them la.
i wan a new hp T.T
but i m dead broke, so so broke T.T